struggle

The parallel's from everyday life to grief sometimes hit me like a ton of bricks. In the past few days, I've gone from one life to another. I knew it was coming and the transition has still been difficult. My attention needs to shift yet I'm still swimming in the middle. I can see where I was and where I need to go but I also know that I'm not there yet.

West 17th has been my priority, along with several other things I do. Now, school is that priority and making that shift is hard to do. I can't just shut off West 17th but I see that my mental attention needs to shift or I will not be giving teaching my full attention and that's not acceptable in my book.

Now, the parallel. I see this, I know this, I understand this and yet the transition is difficult. It's no wonder why our bodies and minds fight back when tragedy strikes. It's no wonder we go into scattered and chaotic thinking after something major happens. It's no wonder we don't know what to do, how to do it or when to do it.

The point I'm trying to desperately make this morning is that I know it and still have to force myself to stop and reflect instead of run and react. I'm still learning, I'm still a beginner. Just knowing this doesn't fix it, but it sure makes me feel much more in control.

Be safe and well friends, but more importantly, be yourself.

As I sit here this morning writing, I'm thinking about the fact that I'm just a beginner.  Today I turn 50.  A milestone in my life, I can only hope it marks halfway.  After Blake's death, I remember wishing that something would take me from this world.  

If only a headache could be a tumor, if only that tightness in my chest would be a massive heart attack ready to take me away.  I didn't want to live, but didn't have the courage to pull my own trigger.  The thought of living with the pain within was daunting to me.  

Last evening I sat with 300 parents as pictures of all our children who died far to young scrolled across the wall.  When my sons picture appeared, I lite my candle.  I sat, tears in my eyes watching the flame.  My life has just begun.

No, I never imagined being a part of this group, but I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  I'm just a beginner, so much to learn, so much to do, so much to say.  I don't live to keep my son alive, I live because my son is alive in everything I do.  

My journey through death and divorce has left scars, but they're only reminders of my strength.  Reminders that when it hurts, I don't have to get up.  Reminders of the power within.  

I'm just a beginner, today I wake wide eyed and ready to learn.  Ready to take it all in as I never know what the next step may bring.  My bones my be 50, but my heart, mind and hands have just begun.

Be safe and well, but more importantly, be yourself.

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought.  The mind is everything. What we think we become.” - Buddha