I'm just a beginner...

As I sit here this morning writing, I'm thinking about the fact that I'm just a beginner.  Today I turn 50.  A milestone in my life, I can only hope it marks halfway.  After Blake's death, I remember wishing that something would take me from this world.  

If only a headache could be a tumor, if only that tightness in my chest would be a massive heart attack ready to take me away.  I didn't want to live, but didn't have the courage to pull my own trigger.  The thought of living with the pain within was daunting to me.  

Last evening I sat with 300 parents as pictures of all our children who died far to young scrolled across the wall.  When my sons picture appeared, I lite my candle.  I sat, tears in my eyes watching the flame.  My life has just begun.

No, I never imagined being a part of this group, but I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  I'm just a beginner, so much to learn, so much to do, so much to say.  I don't live to keep my son alive, I live because my son is alive in everything I do.  

My journey through death and divorce has left scars, but they're only reminders of my strength.  Reminders that when it hurts, I don't have to get up.  Reminders of the power within.  

I'm just a beginner, today I wake wide eyed and ready to learn.  Ready to take it all in as I never know what the next step may bring.  My bones my be 50, but my heart, mind and hands have just begun.

Be safe and well, but more importantly, be yourself.

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought.  The mind is everything. What we think we become.” - Buddha