Looking it in the eye isn't...

Looking it in the eye isn't exactly the easiest thing to do, admitting it on a public forum is even harder.  Yet, the day, the time, the moment has come.  I've watched it creep back into my life, like a fog it patiently waited offshore for the wind to change.  Slowly, silently, it drifted back cloaking me like a cold wet blanket.

For as long as I can remember, I've denied it.  Had I been asked yesterday, I would have told you no.  At times, the mask is much easier, because it comes and goes.  It's something I can run from, yet it lurks, patiently waiting to smother me.  The denial is what gives it power, the ability to invade from within.

To remove it, I bury it.  Projects, I'm good at them because I'm empowered from within to not face open space.  It's strength that comes from a source of unimaginable reserves when speaking the truth is the only way to remove it's source.  To stop and admit it, fills me with sadness in one breath because I ran.  To stop and admit it, fills me with joy because I finally can face it.

The death of a friend stopped me, I began to take inventory of my life, the timing, impeccable.  The jury was in, the evidence held me guilty, the sentence a breath away.  I no longer choose to close my eyes and deny it, to fight it, instead I will lay in it.  I want to understand it and become an expert in my own grief.

I struggle with depression.  It comes and goes like a fog, a cold wet blanket.  I shed it by pushing it to the side, not giving it the space it needs control me.  I've made a decision, to walk the walk.  I will no longer deny it, I've made a decision to face it and learn from it.

The statement alone gives me strength.   

 

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