Looking it in the eye isn't...
Looking it in the eye isn't exactly the easiest thing to do, admitting it on a public forum is even harder. Yet, the day, the time, the moment has come. I've watched it creep back into my life, like a fog it patiently waited offshore for the wind to change. Slowly, silently, it drifted back cloaking me like a cold wet blanket.
For as long as I can remember, I've denied it. Had I been asked yesterday, I would have told you no. At times, the mask is much easier, because it comes and goes. It's something I can run from, yet it lurks, patiently waiting to smother me. The denial is what gives it power, the ability to invade from within.
To remove it, I bury it. Projects, I'm good at them because I'm empowered from within to not face open space. It's strength that comes from a source of unimaginable reserves when speaking the truth is the only way to remove it's source. To stop and admit it, fills me with sadness in one breath because I ran. To stop and admit it, fills me with joy because I finally can face it.
The death of a friend stopped me, I began to take inventory of my life, the timing, impeccable. The jury was in, the evidence held me guilty, the sentence a breath away. I no longer choose to close my eyes and deny it, to fight it, instead I will lay in it. I want to understand it and become an expert in my own grief.
I struggle with depression. It comes and goes like a fog, a cold wet blanket. I shed it by pushing it to the side, not giving it the space it needs control me. I've made a decision, to walk the walk. I will no longer deny it, I've made a decision to face it and learn from it.
The statement alone gives me strength.