that have ran rampant in my mind for years are being put in their place. Looking back, they began to have their way with me after my first divorce. Leaving that day and hearing Blake's cry haunted me. The demon of that memory still waits patiently for an opportunity to come play the game.
Yeah, some may call them this or that, but I call them demons, as they simply have no cause but to wreak havoc on my soul. Blake’s cry amplified a billion times over by his death, I questioned everything. As much as I wanted to forget, I wanted to remember.
In my bedroom, I have several of Blake’s things. I don’t place them throughout the house, as it’s just too tough. In one corner his golf clubs with his book bag hanging from the driver, inside, candy wrappers I just can’t get myself to throw away.
Against the wall, his wagon from when he was a child waits for another ride. Sitting on top, his skateboard. Along one wall, a green trunk filled with treasures only my son understood; yet I keep them as I struggle to understand myself.
My journey, or should I say my battle to put the demons in their place far from traditional, yet I’ve learned there are no rules. Often, I hear stories about the past, only to walk away realizing I don’t remember them. Sometimes the good has gone out with the bad.
I know the fight is far from over, but I’ve made the choice to fight. The decision to continue on was like sitting on the razor sharp edge of a sword, regardless of choice I knew it wouldn’t be easy. In the beginning, it was all in his honor. Today, it’s for me.
The difference is perspective, learned from life experiences. I removed the fear by looking them in the eye and saying “no more”. The simple act of courage broke the chains that held me. The demons no longer play the game unless I allow them in.
I wouldn’t take it back for a moment, nothing. The pain, the tears, the struggle, it’s allowed me to see the blade of grass where so many focus on the meadow. I remember a friend saying to me, “your son has died, but you have an opportunity to live, it’s a choice”.
As I ponder my life forward, I realize now more than ever that it is up to me. The little things stack up to become, well, life experiences. Not in honor of a past, but a future I’ve yet to build. Be safe and well friends. Allow your demons a place at the table, feed them and send them on their way. It’s good to be home, that place within.