The parallel's from everyday life to grief sometimes hit me like a ton of bricks. In the past few days, I've gone from one life to another. I knew it was coming and the transition has still been difficult. My attention needs to shift yet I'm still swimming in the middle. I can see where I was and where I need to go but I also know that I'm not there yet.
Last week, a gentleman I know died, he was far to young. Leaving behind a family, many friends, a career he excelled in and projects he was working on.
I didn't know him well, however, we did cross paths a time or two. Something about his death has affected me, I'm not sure what it is just yet. I'll keep searching.
His grave is not far from my sons, I guess it's just something I never imagined. Maybe I feel the heaviness of his fathers heart, I'm not sure. I'll keep searching.
Recently it came to my attention that people think I have money. I had to laugh outloud when I heard this one. Trust me on this one, I don't. What I do have is a passion for what I do and it's way more valuable than anything you will ever buy.
Money isn't the root of all evil, people make it the root of evil. Kind of like guns, they implore a false sense of power. Taylor and I were talking about this awhile back and within a couple days she showed me a study that was done by a Berkley professor.
Here is the study if you would like to take a look:
While in Boston, Taylor and I had the opportunity to sit down with Jason Stout. Jason is one of those guys you sit and listen too and see his passion for life in his eyes. Without a doubt, Jason is "stepping into it".
Taylor, Sue and myself stood at the east sidewalk entrance looking out over the fog covered Golden Gate Bridge on my 50th birthday. My mind was in awe at the beauty. I’ve watched several TV specials about the construction of this beautiful structure.
I could feel the vibration in my feet from the cars driving by and we were still standing on solid ground, almost like the bridge was talking to me. I lifted my camera, click. As I lowered it to my pocket I said, “beautiful”.
As I sit here this morning writing, I'm thinking about the fact that I'm just a beginner. Today I turn 50. A milestone in my life, I can only hope it marks halfway. After Blake's death, I remember wishing that something would take me from this world.
If only a headache could be a tumor, if only that tightness in my chest would be a massive heart attack ready to take me away. I didn't want to live, but didn't have the courage to pull my own trigger. The thought of living with the pain within was daunting to me.
There are only a few people on earth that I've met and spoke to for only a few minutes and felt a lifelong connection. Dave is one of those few people. Enjoy!
Kris and Taylor have a discussion about a statement that Taylor read, "Nothing can happen to you that isn't positive".
This past couple weeks has been a bit crazy and crazy extends for another week, so I'm preparing myself mentally. The thought of doing this was something I would have NEVER considered or given any attention until after my time in exile. There is a distinct difference between physical and mental tired and you have to honor both of them in different ways.
I'm humbled by the miles I've traveled in the past 730 days. Two years ago this morning I set off on a journey of discovery. I was desperate to find peace and to answer questions that I had bouncing uncontrollably within. I honestly wasn't sure I wanted to live another moment.
Everything I felt that I needed to move forward in my life was neatly tucked away in storage, I closed the door. The clacking as the door rolled shut to the life that was no more. I desired peace, but didn't know that I had the strength to find it.